(Written in March)
The last couple of weeks I’ve been feeling pretty down, in fact I stopped work, think it was an episode of depression that I needed to get over. Today was a marginally better day but I’m not sure where to go from here. I’m not sure what tomorrow will bring – will I keep working on the mammoth amount of jobs around the house (that will always be there), will I participate in satisfactory interactions with my kids, will I work out how to solve the ‘work problem’, will I work out what I want – do i even need to work that out? I’m a bit lost.
But today – I saw a GP, left crying because I didn’t really talk to him (I sat through the appointment not wanting to have to describe what was going, just wanting to get out of there), so he had no way of truly knowing how I felt.
But then I took my kids to the park, then I took two tired kids down the street as briefly as possible and I drove home and I ended up feeling that the GP must have felt that I was functioning – of course I have to function I have two kids to look after,and I started feeling I wasn’t failing them, I was still be a good parent because although I felt like I couldn’t function I was – for my kids sake and maybe I was even doing a good job of it. Maybe I was still a good parent, maybe I am still a good person,maybe there’s still hope.
And then I came home and checked the pigs, and I put my son to bed, and I played some games with my daughter and I did watch an episode of Grey’s but then I did some housework – not much but more than I’ve felt capable of.
And now there’s hope for tomorrow but I’m not entirely sure what I’m hoping for. In a dream world my house would be clean, my kids would behave and then what would I do…probably, maybe organise.
In a more realistic world I would make progress on housework, perhaps follow my flylady routine, pay the bills, play with the kids, keep them fed and occupied and alternate this all with a satisfactory downtime activity for me -reading, dvd, interneting – alright then that’s the plan 🙂
*Edit This was a good day, it took another month before I was really back on track with more GP visits, an increase in my anti-depressants and sessions with a counsellor but I got there