It’s been a crappy month.
I came back from my trip away with zero energy and simply stopped. I shouldn’t have let a day define me but the tuesday I arrived home I felt like doing nothing. My sister had come home with me and was a buzz with energy – I felt the horrible need to just get rid of her and she went into town to my Mum and Dads.
I’d given myself two goals for my return home, create a menu plan and I forget the other. I fell off the cart and decided it was depression. Made an appointment to see a doctor the following week along with a counsellor I’d seen previously.
That happened and my anti-depressant dosage was raised but the next day I called my parents (who were about to leave for an already post-poned holiday) and said I wasn’t coping. They came out and suggested I have a night in hospital, I was feeling somewhat suicidal – it was all I wanted and I agreed but the experience left me embarrassed and no better for the rest.
I went home the next day, Mum helped with a whole heap of washing and they left two days later. And i’ve just kept struggling. Surviving each day. Going straight to bed. Taking a break from work.
I’m writing this today so perhaps thats a sign the tide is turning. Read a good book this evening Emma Keppler by Colin Thiele which ended too soon.
Also saw a psychologist who told me I need to change my mind language ‘ I can’ and ‘I will’ but all I can think is ‘I don’t want to’ except I do want to…. something. I want to stop being lazy and start being a good Mum.
I’m also a bit obsessed about what people think of me. Nothing seems to have changed really, the house is messier and my kids are more unruly, but nothing people are noticing. I have good friends and family who are supportive, my husband just doesn’t change which I can’t decide whether its a good thing or not.
I want people to hate me because I deserve it but I fear people hating me. It’s all a bit of a self-indulgent mess.
I’m confident it will get better although I can’t see how, perhaps tomorrow I’ll just wake up and start doing. You never know