Struggling in December

Subtitled: Flat, tired, sore and harvest-time

Tagline: Be prepared to get inspired LOL, PMSL, ROFL

I’m a bit down guys. I hurt my ankle about a month back, and then my back a fortnight ago and now I have a cold. Even longer ago I finished study for the year and was super excited to have a chance to catch up on things but then life happened. I now finally have a few home days in a row but energy and motivation are-a hard find.

I still believe its achievable or else unimportant both possibilities which leave no comeuppance for the right now.

I think I’m grieving. I miss my son. And the way I best deal with his death is knowing he’s better off never having had to live in this world. Cos this world sux plus I’m a bad Mum. So then I feel guilty for my still living son and daughter who still have to put with me. Even my husband.

Except it’s harvest so husband is non-existent anyways

 

**Edit 3 days later

I had a bad day. Preceded by some not great days. It happens, and while I wasn’t remotely happy with this post I clicked publish anyway cos I just needed to get it out there – and it helped – a lot. My goal at the start of the bad day was to spend 5 mins cleaning in each room and connect with friends on Facebook. I had the same goal the next day and achieved it by lunch time. On the bad day everything was too hard and it took til just before bedtime to connect. Thank goodness I did though cos suddenly I had hope for the next day. Amazingly spending time getting organised for work also helped. I think I’m learning resilience.

I really want to write to people struggling about the two things that I believe help me the most.

  1. Allowing yourself a bad day. At the time it’s scary because you don’t know if you’ll have the ability to keep it to one day, but I watched Dvds, got bored and actually acknowledged that what I was experiencing was grief. I think that’s the first time I’ve actually been able to say that, normally I put it down to general depression. And probably it doesn’t even matter what it is the cause, if there is a cause, but to have a bad day to grieve my son, I needed that.
  2. Connection. I knew right off the bat I needed it, but it wasn’t easy. My mum and sister both called but I wasn’t in the right space to talk to them. I wanted to put something on Facebook but it was hard. Eventually I put my negative post on twitter (which I barely use) and then put a positive spin on it for FB. And the miracle that turned my day was an old uni friend commenting. That’s my connection story, yours can be completely different but even when it feels impossible my best advice is connect

If you can’t tell, my week has completely turned around, even to the point of believing getting ready for Christmas is achievable! I know I am incredibly blessed and I know my experience of depression is minor compared to others who suffer, for those in the black hole please reach out, you’re experience may be different but anyone can get to the point of more good days than bad.

 

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10 thoughts on “Struggling in December

  1. Hey I’m so sorry things are hard right now. And of course you miss your little one, makes perfect sense this time of year especially. You are not a bad mum!! Will be hoping you have some lovely surprise moments with hubby too xxoo
    PS we’re flying out tomorrow, so Merry Christmas!!! Hope it’s special Jen. Much love.

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  2. I hear you about your ankle. I fell in a hole and now have a cankle that refuses to leave. Christmas can be such a tough time. Hope your ok xx

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    1. Oh Kooky it was soo embarrassing, starting wearing a compression brace for the swelling and everyone was asking what i did….hmmm I walked along my ankle rolled out a bit and here I am?!?! Please tell me your hole story was more interesting?? Does yours hurt? I’m wondering if maybe I should follow it up…..?

      ps thank you xo

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  3. I’m so sorry for everything you are going through and glad things are looking up. I completely agree that often times just getting things said and out in the open can be very therapeutic. All you can do is keep trying and living life, sometimes that includes the bad days.

    Liked by 1 person

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