family · Farming · life · mental health · relationships

Emotional

Feeling cold, sad and lonely.

I just finished an episode from Season 2 of The Crown. Prince Phillip has been travelling around the Commonwealth, predominantly via ship, away from England for months, Queen Elizabeth is home and one of the Prince’s staff’s wife is seeking divorce.

It was not a good day to watch this show. My house is cold. I’ve turned the heater on, but I think the batteries are going flat in the remote and the mode hadn’t changed properly sending out cold air (just finally feeling warmth now coming out). The window in one of our doors has been broken for over a month (the new glass is s sitting waiting to be replaced along with new screening laying around for literally years), so cold air has been more easily able to enter. I reattached some cardboard today and have shut off that section of the house, although being the kitchen area can not avoid it entirely.

We have just had some wonderful rain. The perfect start to seeding and my husband is hard at work. I had three weeks at home with the children for extended holidays in SA. I’m incredibly blessed that we have had 6 days free of new COVID-19 cases and my children have been able to return to school (Indeed our shutdown has been minimal compared to many countries).

Even prior to seeding starting on ANZAC Day my husband had been busy preparing for this time on the farm and despite no usual sporting committments on the weekends family time was still limited.

I know I’m sad from having just watched a sad show but I’m also crying because I can’t remember the last time my husband told me he loved me without myself first saying the words. Nor can I remember the last time he asked how my day was. He is a wonderful provider and a good man but he puts little effort into our relationship. Sometimes its ok. Sometimes I have enough else going on in my life I am distracted from this absence. Sometimes I’m happy just to be living peacably and doing my own thing. But often, today it hurts deeply.

I had no intention of writing this post. Although I struggled mightily in the holidays with negative thoughts and lack of motivation. I also (belatedly) reached out and received wonderful support. I had wonderful cuddles with the kids in bed this morning, so although lacking patience at bedtime in general I’m coping.

My body is warming up, I have plenty to do today with time too I believe for rest and bingeing (no more The Crown, I’ll turn to Gilmore Girls!). But I am sad.

 

 

11 thoughts on “Emotional

  1. We all get sad at times, Gee Jen. Its been a strange few months and I find it tiring, what with bushfires, drought, heat and now this. Its also a time for anxiety. I don’t feel anxious at all and for the most part have enjoyed isolation, though I just watched a program that said most of us are experiencing wild dreams at the moment and that’s because of anxiety. Reach out for all the support you need, Jen 🙂 Always here if you need to chat.
    Hug.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you Brizzy May ( I’d love to ask your preferred name?), I truly value your friendship. Last nights sleep was quite restless, it’s interesting about the dreams. Yesterday itself though turned a corner, I had a zoom meeting with a mentor and an unexpectedly pcall both igniting some big passions. Thank you for the hug and right back at you, glad you are mostly enjoying the isolation xo

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Jenn. I pray that moments of joy are exceeding those of sadness in your life (as they are mine) but also that in any moments of sadness you also receive the comfort I have been so blessed with – even from ‘strangers’ on WP xo

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I hope May has brought more flowers and joy.
    It isn’t easy to share these things and I was moved by your post. Being married 30 years I have been through those times where hearing ‘I love you’d would mean so much.
    Take care, I hope you and yours are still healthy
    – Rose

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Rose ❤ have only just found this comment. May ended very well with a family trip to the beach. Congratulations on 30 years of marriage – its tough hey… but worth it when we finally reconnect, to have that person to share life (and children) with. Hope you are well too x

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you for these lovely comments. Nothing brings more peace in the family than on a beach. We did that so many times when the kids were growing up. Seemed like our troubles melted away for a little while

        Liked by 1 person

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