family · Farming · life · mental health · relationships

Emotional

Feeling cold, sad and lonely.

I just finished an episode from Season 2 of The Crown. Prince Phillip has been travelling around the Commonwealth, predominantly via ship, away from England for months, Queen Elizabeth is home and one of the Prince’s staff’s wife is seeking divorce.

It was not a good day to watch this show. My house is cold. I’ve turned the heater on, but I think the batteries are going flat in the remote and the mode hadn’t changed properly sending out cold air (just finally feeling warmth now coming out). The window in one of our doors has been broken for over a month (the new glass is s sitting waiting to be replaced along with new screening laying around for literally years), so cold air has been more easily able to enter. I reattached some cardboard today and have shut off that section of the house, although being the kitchen area can not avoid it entirely.

We have just had some wonderful rain. The perfect start to seeding and my husband is hard at work. I had three weeks at home with the children for extended holidays in SA. I’m incredibly blessed that we have had 6 days free of new COVID-19 cases and my children have been able to return to school (Indeed our shutdown has been minimal compared to many countries).

Even prior to seeding starting on ANZAC Day my husband had been busy preparing for this time on the farm and despite no usual sporting committments on the weekends family time was still limited.

I know I’m sad from having just watched a sad show but I’m also crying because I can’t remember the last time my husband told me he loved me without myself first saying the words. Nor can I remember the last time he asked how my day was. He is a wonderful provider and a good man but he puts little effort into our relationship. Sometimes its ok. Sometimes I have enough else going on in my life I am distracted from this absence. Sometimes I’m happy just to be living peacably and doing my own thing. But often, today it hurts deeply.

I had no intention of writing this post. Although I struggled mightily in the holidays with negative thoughts and lack of motivation. I also (belatedly) reached out and received wonderful support. I had wonderful cuddles with the kids in bed this morning, so although lacking patience at bedtime in general I’m coping.

My body is warming up, I have plenty to do today with time too I believe for rest and bingeing (no more The Crown, I’ll turn to Gilmore Girls!). But I am sad.

 

 

family

My Family Haven

Doing an 8 hour drive while grumpy with your man, and two beautiful but oh so annoying children in tow, truly is not a recipe for success. But we are home, the kids are in bed, husband has disappeared and I get peace and quiet to reflect on the whole mess.

It follows what has actually been three of the most lovely days of my life. My super fantabulous older sister decided to celebrate a milestone birthday with her parents, siblings, outlaws, nieces and nephews altogether at a secluded Lutheran beach side camp. We had an amazing time making life-long memories. Between us we have 9 children 8 and under, who were spread over two of the dorms with grandparents and their aunt keeping watch and us parents (mostly) getting a room to ourselves. There were cuddles, games, tantrums, even a teeny bit of sharing. We had early mornings keeping early risers quiet and fed, and late nights competing with each other at cards. I absolutely adore my family. To go to bed each night after looking in on all those gorgeous kids was true bliss. There were beach walks, freezing cold swims (crazy kids not me!), horse carriage rides, table tennis competitions and LOTS of yummy food. I want to go back and do it all again.

20181008_123535

Back however to the troubling return home. I guess I’m just sick of farm life getting in the way of family time. And I’m sick of my husband not seeming to care.

He must  be acknowledged though for driving us there and back, helping with the cooking, interacting and I even saw him doing dishes.

I guess I haven’t been very understanding either…

So home again we are, back to the mess, back to ABC 2, back to real life which when it boils down, ain’t too bad either.

Praying that I keep all things in perspective, that hubby and I communicate and show care to each other, thanking God for the overwhelming blessing of wonderful family and praying that I can show His love to my family and the world around me.

Holiday isn’t completely over – off now to finish my vacation reading đŸ™‚

 

family · life

It’s the Weekend!

And what a week it’s been!

Today my heart heart is full. We have no sport and I have no pressing chores, study or commitments, so while the kids are keen to go visiting or you know Mum, do something, I’m content to stay in bed and say, “maybe later”.

I’ve finished what for me is a classic re-read, no.2 in Janette Oke’s Love Comes Softly series, Love’s Enduring Promise. The stories are rather light but the characters absolutely grow on your heart and re-reading feels like coming home to somewhere special.

The kids are now off checking sheep with Grandpa and Hubster is spending the day crop touring with mates. We are very blessed to live in a part of this dry continent which so far has had enough rain to begin a promising crop. We pray it continues and that those not so fortunate are given wet relief soon.

I feel like the last 3 weeks have been full-on busy. I think it’s been since trying to get to the gym twice a week, with the second day being a usual home day for me and organising to switch that day with another. Hubby did comment this week that he thought with me not working anymore I’d be home more and yet so far it seems to be less! I think next week scheduling will have fallen into place.

I had 6 counselling clients this last week so that too is falling into place with the aim to have done 100 hours (with clients) by the end of the semester. My sister and mum are sadly unwell and have been on my mind and last week I attended an AGM. It was my first meeting with this group and I walked out as chairperson! It’s a great cause and I’m excited about the opportunity although the extra commitment definitely was not on my agenda.

We’ve been seeing emus almost daily in the paddocks, which while lovely now will soon be an issue for the crops (no doubt already is). My son has a drippy nose but still has to wear shorts and run around outside as much as he can playing footy. My daughter went away for her first school camp and seems to have grown up again overnight. They both  were satisfied with my mediocre assistance with book week costumes. Thankfully they feel no pressure and just love seeing everyone dressed up with massive smiles on their faces. I too had a massive smile on my face with Bookclub fittingly hosted this week. And hubster and me? Last week, with the aid of PMS I was ready to walk out the door but this week we have been communicating well and spending time together watching Suits.

20180824_075241[1]

The only real bad news to share is the state of Australian federal politics. I believe a law needs to be passed that leaders can only be changed in sickness, death or elections and if a party supports that I think they’ll have my number 1 vote.

So my life in a nutshell. As always post ideas have been coming and going but I’ve been more than satisfied cuddling on the couch. Let’s see what God’s got in store for me next đŸ™‚

How are you? How was your week?

God bless this weekend

xo GJ

family · parenting

Here we go…

26904543_1886092224742511_2219094978178152411_n

 

Tomorrow my baby boy starts school.

 

I have been anticipating this day basically forever and even more as soon as he started kindy last year and now. it. is. here…

He’s a bit nervous. A lot of his friends have already turned five whereas his birthday is not until march. He’ll be one of the younger ones, but with a big sister and the genes of an incredibly tall father I’m not worried. He’s anxious about not knowing how to read, but I keep telling him that’s why he goes to school, to learn. It reminds me of myself, terrified my first day of school because I didn’t know enough.

These holidays have been truly amazing. So much so I’ve been praying in preparation for some sort of catastrophe thats bound to hit soon. No doubt the stress will rise as our schedules become busier  and my study starts up again. I pray that I’ll remember this peace I’m feeling now and be reassured that it will come again (maybe by some miracle it will stay with me all year long!)

Just like for his sister, his teacher sent home an activity for us to do – Things I Want you to Know About Me and for the parents, Things My Parents Want you to Know About Me – here are parts of our lists:

  1. I Like dinosaurs and monster trucks
  2. I live on a farm with pigs and sheep
  3. I love helping with shearing, seeding and harvest
  4. I like playing games on the x-box with Dad
  5. My favourite games are Viva Pinata and Junior Monopoly
  6. I love playing outside with my friends
  7. We have 2 dogs, a sheep and chooks and goats
  8. Our son is an active and energetic young boy – our youngest
  9. He is curious, adventurous and clever
  10. He loves sports
  11. He can be a bit rough
  12. He made some really great friends at kindy and we hope he will be friendly to everyone and make new friends too
  13. We are all excited that he is joining his big sister at school, a new era for our family
  14. Mum is very eager to be involved and helpful
  15. We pray that 2018 is a year of growth and joy

I love being a school mum. I love reading with the kids (when I find the time). I don’t know how I’m going to cope without any children at home with me during the week. It’ll be awesome, and lonely. I can’t believe I’ve made it to this point. I’m excited, nervous, sad and incredibly nostalgic.

Be brave Baby Boy. Be brave Mumma.

family · life · relationships

An Open Letter on my Brother-in-laws second wedding day

To the open universe,

Today was an emotional day.

Today my amazing brother-in-law, my hubby’s wonderful younger brother, married my beautiful new sister-in-law. I love them both just so much. They are my family and I am so blessed to have them in my life.

I wasn’t at his first wedding. To the wife who passed away within a week of their first child being born. I missed that special day. And the truth is I have many regrets. And fears. We married into this family. One family, two different sons and two very different women. And yet right from the start she enveloped me wholeheartedly and boy was she excited about her first niece. Despite being far away at that time, she was so very involved in showering both her and myself in love. We drifted apart, making decisions we each didn’t agree with and I remember clearly telling myself that just because we were sisters didn’t mean we had to be the best of friends. And then she was gone. And even though things at that time weren’t great with us, they were getting better and with time I know our wounds would have healed. But we didn’t get that chance and although I forgive myself over and over, and even (I think) truly believe deep down that we were good, obviously its still there and no words, absolutely none, can describe how much I miss her, the way I miss her and how much I wish we had more time.

And so today, as I welcome a new sister into the family, who deserves so, so much more than to be compared to the sister I’ve lost, I can’t help but think of what could have been. And I’m so sorry but I can’t think of one without the other. While I miss and mourn for one at the same time I welcome and respect and admire the other. And yes, fear too that we too, may create wounds. We are different, we have different opinions, and we don’t need to be the best of friends but you are my sister. You are the mother and step-mother of my nephew and niece, you are the wife and chosen life partner of my husband’s brother. I know I don’t always say the right thing but when you look at me and shake your head, it breaks my heart. I don’t want to live (I can’t live) in fear of losing you. So please whatever I may do, please, please know I love you.

It doesn’t help, I’m sure that it’s that time of month, that I forgot my anti-depressants…

Today was an emotional, wonderful day, for two people, perfect for each other to be wed.

sincerely

Gee Jen