family · Farming · life · mental health · relationships

Emotional

Feeling cold, sad and lonely.

I just finished an episode from Season 2 of The Crown. Prince Phillip has been travelling around the Commonwealth, predominantly via ship, away from England for months, Queen Elizabeth is home and one of the Prince’s staff’s wife is seeking divorce.

It was not a good day to watch this show. My house is cold. I’ve turned the heater on, but I think the batteries are going flat in the remote and the mode hadn’t changed properly sending out cold air (just finally feeling warmth now coming out). The window in one of our doors has been broken for over a month (the new glass is s sitting waiting to be replaced along with new screening laying around for literally years), so cold air has been more easily able to enter. I reattached some cardboard today and have shut off that section of the house, although being the kitchen area can not avoid it entirely.

We have just had some wonderful rain. The perfect start to seeding and my husband is hard at work. I had three weeks at home with the children for extended holidays in SA. I’m incredibly blessed that we have had 6 days free of new COVID-19 cases and my children have been able to return to school (Indeed our shutdown has been minimal compared to many countries).

Even prior to seeding starting on ANZAC Day my husband had been busy preparing for this time on the farm and despite no usual sporting committments on the weekends family time was still limited.

I know I’m sad from having just watched a sad show but I’m also crying because I can’t remember the last time my husband told me he loved me without myself first saying the words. Nor can I remember the last time he asked how my day was. He is a wonderful provider and a good man but he puts little effort into our relationship. Sometimes its ok. Sometimes I have enough else going on in my life I am distracted from this absence. Sometimes I’m happy just to be living peacably and doing my own thing. But often, today it hurts deeply.

I had no intention of writing this post. Although I struggled mightily in the holidays with negative thoughts and lack of motivation. I also (belatedly) reached out and received wonderful support. I had wonderful cuddles with the kids in bed this morning, so although lacking patience at bedtime in general I’m coping.

My body is warming up, I have plenty to do today with time too I believe for rest and bingeing (no more The Crown, I’ll turn to Gilmore Girls!). But I am sad.

 

 

Farming · life · relationships · Uncategorized

The farmer takes a break?!

It’s Family Business Week (can I get a woop woop) and to celebrate it seems I’m going to do two farm related blogs in a row!

My Darling Hubby is crook, has been on and off for months but as a business owner, let alone a farmer it’s just not that easy to get time off, for holidays let alone to recover from illness. And now he’s getting very grumpy and to be quite frank, it’s affecting my quality of life. When he’s sick he stops communicating, it seems to take too much effort. I try to let him recover but I end up starting to feel lonely and I guess undesirable.

I always told DH to consider myself a city girl when we got married. Although I’d always lived in the country (except 6 years studying in the big smoke) and my grandparents were all primary producers, I knew I was pretty naive regarding farm life.

I don’t consider myself a farmer’s wife, instead I am simply married to a farmer. Not actively involved in the farm* but most definitely affected by it. Farm life has both its perks and challenges ( you don’t say :p ).

Both hubby and I are in desperate need of a break, he from work whereas for me it’s more to spend one on one time with him. We’ve tried a few times recently but father-in-law got injured and instead of getting time off hubby had to double his work load – or attempt to!

Then spraying needed to get done, and shearing got scheduled for the other week we had put forward…. He has had a bit of time off this week, one day after getting pigs onto a truck, another after doing a tank of spray and feeding the animals. Unfortunately this time has been dedicated to cleaning up for a party we’re hosting for our boarder.

It gets frustrating that DH and FIL can’t communicate to work this stuff out, its just simply not a priority but it should be, NEEDs to be. Thus it’s up to me to put my foot down, not fun when DH seems to hate anytime I try to question things/problem solve.

So firstly it’s a struggle to get the time off and then I’m scared our focuses will be incompatible. He’s looking to stop and do nothing whereas I’m just in need of some extra affection. Hopefully we can find an equal balance of the two – when, IF the time comes, please keep your fingers crossed for me!!

 

 

*After 7 years of marriage I am much more interested in becoming involved in the farm, learning ways I can help, maybe even taking over the books one day – but not catering for shearing can’t see me ever saying yes to that!!