life · parenting · relationships · Uncategorized

Great Expectations

This blog has been a real struggle, choosing a topic and finding the energy to flesh it out. Mostly I wanted to write about how tired (and GRUMPY) I am but I couldn’t see that being overly entertaining. I’m disappointed in myself, I really want to give this blogging thing a good go – weekly posts or at least fortnightly but it has now been 18 days since my last post. At the same time I know I don’t want it to be an extra pressure of something to do on the never-ending list.

This last weekend was our least busy in goodness knows how long and I’d been looking forward to it so much, but then n.o.t.h.i.n.g. Even after a week of turning down fun activities (Australia vs England netball game, bookclub, Bad Moms with some wonderful Mummy friends) in order to catch up on much needed sleep, I was STILL tired.

We have reached a golden part of the year, a break between footbal and cricket seasons, a time to FINALLY get some bigger jobs done around the house, I have SO much I want to achieve but…but…but….

The topic I actually chose to write about this week was friendships. I spent last week emotionally drained by a hard one, only to find when I caught up with the person involved, that the big deal I’d made it out to be didn’t eventuate at all. I’ve also come to see I’m very jealous of others friendships, particularly what I see posted on good ‘ole FB. I think the answer is devoting time for building my own friendships, unfortunately  I’m tired AND grumpy.  Sorry does seem to be the recurring theme!

I do have great friends who seem to accept me as I am but I want a bosom buddy, even if that’s not really my style. I’m more of a floater, trying to be friends with everyone, at the same time not really getting close with anyone. At a party I flit around from one group to another, chatting with everyone but in some ways no one. Ideally I would love that one friend I could go sit with absolutely whenever and know we can talk or just sit together.

All this said I AM generally content with my friendships, although just lately wishing I could visibly recognise effort others put in versus just me. I also wish I could let loose and not think about the housework I could be doing with free time instead of catching up with friends.

Life’s busyness and motherhood makes devoting time to friendships, let’s face it, even just yourself hard but family and children are worth all their energy sapping-ness. This morning I watched my boy climbing sheep fences, tank ladders and enjoying time with his father and grandfather. This totally makes life meaningful. (And on the housework side of things even if the big jobs didn’t get done on the weekend I still managed to stay on top of the laundry which feels great – thanks Flylady). Plus my hubby hasn’t stopped talking to me despite my snappiness and my daughter is starting to accept my music choices in the car – it’s been a good day.

 

 

* I think routine (already established during the week) helps, wonder what I can do with free weekends to balance letting go and being productive?!?

 

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life · Uncategorized

Home Day Whinge

It’s been a weird day. My first full day at home in 12 days. I guess most people don’t spend full days at home but living half hour out of town – from shops, services etc. I often have a home day which involves seeing no one but my husband or maybe the in-laws.

Well it was often in my early days as a Mum, now it seems to be getting rarer and rarer and I NEED these days to catch up on life.

Today I was extra lucky as my daughter was happily playing with her cousin who had a sleepover the nigth before, I was still in bed at 8! And possibly could have stayed longer except there was so much I wanted to get done today. I started off well (thanks to a daily plan from Fly Lady) but after morning tea and numerous meltdowns from my kids I was tired, tired, tired. I tried to stay motivated, especially as I knew my husband was likewise tired but he still had to go to work – it felt like a losing battle.

Thankfully I got outside and ended up helping hubby and father-in-law with tailing lambs, a productive use of my afternoon (never mind the jobs that undoubtedly wouldn’t have got done even if I was at home).

Kids now in bed, facebook looked at (and so boring – what is going on!!) but again I’m tired, tired, tired and nothing feels that urgent that I should stretch myself to do it tonight. I’ll probably end up reading for a bit before going to sleep all before 9.30pm! Everywhere I look there are jobs that could be done and I know I’m no more likely to do them tomorrow but…

Well it is friday night and I can tick 2/7 items off my to do list. Next week big girl will be back at school and I’ll have time again…oh wait study…

Life IS really good at the moment and today was better than expected but now at the end of the day, I’m not satisfied but neither am I motivated and so I shall just whinge away on my wordpress account.

Good night all – please share your friday night whinge so I don’t feel alone (and have something to keep me up to a respectable hour)! And then go on and enjoy your weekend, that’s what I hope to do!!    – oh wait netball tomorrow….have a mentioned netty politics yet…. :p

 

 

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life · parenting · Uncategorized

Just a normal today

Today was just a normal day in as much as each different day can be…

I was home mostly which was lovely and pretty well up to date with study. Dishes were done and the sky started out too cloudy for washing. It was just me and my son. Plus I didn’t check facebook until this evening (big achievement).

Tidied up this morning especially the kitchen table. Made a to-do list, although didn’t check it so more things to do tomorrow.

Tried really hard to make time just to play with my boy. Managed to clean the lounge room while playing cowboys. Got distracted about sun finally peeking through while playing cricket outside but came back after putting on a load. Had cuddles and read a book.

I seem to remember spending more time on the floor with my older daughter but while I would like to make more time for my son I also appreciate that I have more direction now and it makes me feel good to get housework-y stuff done (i.e. I swept the floor!). Now to find the balance. Struggle to spend more than 5 minutes playing though.

Finished off some work notes, planned my calendar and realised I’d need to do more work.

Had a counselling session as part of my counselling study. We are looking at Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and working on my values. It’s been a bit hard as I don’t feel I need counselling right now, life is mostly good but it’s part of my course. Feel for my counsellor who has to work with me and add skype and bad connections to that….well enough said! Today’s session was pretty ok though. Felt I got to tell more about myself, the counsellor commented on a theme of people in my values (career, education, recreation, fun, spirituality, community). Next week we’ll look at relationships I feel I may be putting thinking about that off.

Washing out and into town. Was hoping to catch up with a friend which didn’t work out but for me a good thing as did some more of my college readings. Picked up my daughter from school. Dropped into the bank. Hearing appointment for daughter – it actually made me quite proud, she was answering the audiologists questions and being quite independent. We will be getting a FM system for her to use at school. Errands down the street, including walking and somewhat minimal complaining!

Home, unpacked groceries, brought in washing, cooked tea, ate tea, reader and piano practise with daughter (first time I’d sat with her at piano, she’s obviously taking things in well) bedtime.

Finished my readings, did the quiz (100%!). Really up to date with study now and another home day tomorrow. Think I’ll start a novel tonight.

Just a normal day….

 

ps Just to add that last totally normal parenting moment – my son peed at the dinner table – ahh the joys!

life · Uncategorized

Study, work and housekeeping

I’m working on my first written assignment for uni today (Freud’s psychoanalysis anyone?) so unfortunately not a lot of energy or motivation for much else – although I am contemplating heading to bed soon with a novel, need to get some additional references before I allow that though and time is running out!

Life is busy. I say that every week, but every week its true. This week there was extra tiredness following a super awesome wedding reception. I also had three days of work, not full days but enough to make me feel like I had been working three days straight!

I also had a catch up with my boss…

Everyone time I meet up with my boss I walk away realising I don’t really like her. Well no it’s not so much I don’t like her because I have massive respect for her and her business but we just can’t seem to connect and work really differently. Good thing I work remotely so catching up is rather rare.

So really a good reminder of why I’m studying and trying to change direction. Also good that I have a holiday just around the corner!

My husband also kept telling me the house needed cleaning. I agree quite wholeheartedly but take exception to being told when he could just go ahead and do something about it. I am working really hard to stay on top of the dishes, shopping, laundry etc. and he never appreciates that effort. Urrgggh

Time just disappeared last week. Let’s hope this coming week  has enough available so I can finish my assignments, go to my appointments, see my clients, get ready for our holidays and maybe squeeze in some of my to do list, hmmm….

What’s been keeping you busy lately?

Uncategorized

A slog of a week

This was a HARD week, made harder by all the mind games my head likes to play on me, here’s how it went down…

Monday wasn’t too bad -I dropped my daughter off at kindy, my son at my Mums and went to a class at the gym before seeing a few clients for work. Home after kindy and exhausted lounged on the couch with kids.

Tuesday – home day – been hating these lately, too much pressure to get stuff done and constant kid-wrangling/entertaining. This should have been a less pressured week because there was nothing pressing to achieve, but rather than relax I felt guilty I wasn’t using the time properly to take advantage of it. My number one problem over-thinking!!

Wednesday/workday – have been a bit out of the zone lately work-wise and after lunch was so tempting to nap in the car but thank goodness I pushed and got my notes all done

Thursday – went into town at 11 for a day of appointments and finally bookclub*

Friday – all week I had been struggling with the fear I was sliding into depression, I had a major lack of energy, was  watching dvds any chance I had – not enjoying it though because of guilt. But today I looked back at my week realised I had achieved something each day and I made a plan. I started as soon as I got up tidying my childrens wardrobes and putting the sheets on for a wash (had been feeling crap about their ill-fitting clothes) and although I did hit a wall by 8am and cooked a shit lunch for my family I got through and had a great afternoon, asked for parents to pretty please deliver chicken so I could cook a meal, visited the neighbours and most awesome of all folded all the washing. Has been weeks in the trenches but I think I can finally declare I am on top of the washing, for you know all of 2 seconds! Then suddenly the house felt the cleanest it had been in weeks and life looked so much brighter. It was a real turning point.

It’s holidays now so maybe it was just a case of end of term fatigue but I hate how a few bad days – normal stay-at-home Mum/ housewife days really, quickly resulted in constant over-analysis of could this be depression – I’m a bad person – I’m almost suicidal. Obviously more to work on there but as soon as I broke out and felt a bit better, I was on cloud nine, soaking in grateful smiles and engaging with the world.

*book review to come!