life · mental health · Uncategorized

The Failed Experiment

The other night I started a reading for my ‘Working with Mental Health’ course about anxiety and I must say I was feeling pretty impressed with myself. Alas the pride before the fall (or however the saying goes). I was feeling good about how I hadn’t really been experiencing anxiety that I could think of, hooray my self-confidence seemed to be travelling well.

I had a great Saturday but work Friday and Sunday were stressful, not unexpectedly leading up to work-shadowing on Monday! An anxious response to such an event is perfectly normally (as my reading told me). But now I must confess to my attempted experiment. I’ve had a few weekends away recently when I’ve left my medications at home and survived! Following that I thought to myself, well perhaps I’m ready to reduce my anti-depressants, and without consultation I stopped one of my daily tablets reducing my intake by 75mg.

Today I declared this experiment a failure and returned to taking my prescribed dosage. And I’m annoyed. I’ve been feeling more stressed and emotionally worn out but there is no evidence to be able to assuredly say that this is because of my reduced medication. It could just as likely be due simply to more stressful life circumstances in recent weeks. But why put myself through extra stress if the tablets do help? And so my brain has been on over-drive, overthinking, over analyzing over …  I was going to wait until after today to decide if it was medication or life affecting me, as today is my free day. No kids, no travel, just home with a chance to get on top of things. I’ve been waiting for this day and now that it’s here there is pressure to make sure it’s not wasted. Pressure on my free day?!? Good work brain. So I took the tablet this morning and I’m annoyed at myself at being disappointed. I have no qualms about taking medication for my mental health and yet it still seems an ideal to reduce that medication. I like to think it’s a cost thing because less medications equals less money spent but I’m financially blessed so really what does it matter…..?

Now faithful readers I’m going to give you an insight into the justifications that have been going round and round my head – reasons why I’ve been feeling more stressed out:

  • Reading about anxiety is bound to bring up feelings of anxiety
  • Assignments are looming and I don’t feel like I’ve had a chance to sit down and really focus on study (that was what today was for)
  • The box of papers that I’ve been constantly adding to, to sort through, but not finding time to deal with
  • Waking up to a messy kitchen/house
  • Relationship stuff
  • Parenting stuff
  • Just a general sense of not feeling on top of all that is coming up
  • Decisions to be made around playing netball and after school activities
  • Feeling so worn out and taking time to nap rather than putting those drawers I bought weeks ago into my bedroom and continuing the process of decluttering
  • Preparing for upcoming birthdays
  • Buying a new car
  • Preparing for work
  • Doing those exercises my therapist gave me not to mention trying to eat better…
  • Making time for blogging 😊
  • Actually clearing the table not just reorganising into different piles!
  • Oooh not to mention my period starting

Oh my what a release to actually write some of those things out. I am a list lover but I’ve tended in recent times to avoid them as they so often get made and then simply added to that box of papers. I think I can work with this list above. I think I may be able to acknowledge some of those stressors and move on.

I feel like this week my brain has gone back to that cycle of overthinking whereas when I’m truly well, I don’t think I just do. I don’t rehash and work on justifying I just feel. But I’m not really sure maybe it’s all just the reverse-placebo effect, maybe I’m making a mountain out of a molehill, maybe I’m mis-remembering.

And maybe today was a good day. Maybe today was just what I needed to get back on track of all those thoughts going round and round. Another good day. I got what I needed to done, not all that would have been ideal but some extra stuff too aka a normal good day. I don’t really care about the medication, even though I’m feeling much better now I’m not goin to re-attempt the experiment (just yet :p ) but I will keep working on and addressing my mental health after all it’s what keep me sane!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Friendship….

life · Uncategorized

Things I Like

I wasn’t sure what to blog about today so checked out Discover for some inspiration and found it straight away…

Jessica Gross’ Things We Like started as a simple idea: Each post featured 10 specific things the author enjoys. It’s now an exhibit at the New York Public Library.

via List-Making Love: A Conversation with Things We Like Creator Jessica Gross — Discover

Things Gee Jen likes

  1. When my children hold hands and giggle
  2. Going in to check on the kids before going to bed, realising she does love them even after all they put her through
  3. Reading, reading and reading – books, blogs, articles…
  4. The satisfying feeling when finishing a good book or movie
  5. When either of the above compels me to learn more
  6. Indulging in an hour massage
  7. Staying away from home with my husband
  8. Taking a moment to enjoy the natural environment around me – i.e. a sunset, changing colours of crops
  9. Making a difference in a person’s life – through work, random acts of kindness or just being there
  10. Checking out my sexy husband

And cos I could think of more…

  1. Experiencing the sense of home i.e. driving back into my hometown, re-reading a childhood novel
  2. Eating dessert prepared just for me (thanks Mum!)
  3. Feeling productive – realising at the end of the day I have actually completed what i needed to
  4. Reading over old letters/diary entries/facebook memories
  5. Being on top of my to do list i.e. having bought and sent a card for a friends upcoming birthday
  6. Writing our annual Christmas letter in my head
  7. Stealing moments for myself when my children are happily engaged in an activity
  8. Listening to my children playing nicely together or with a special friend/ family member
  9. Napping
  10. Feeling proud of my childrens, husbands, friends achievements

That’ll do, would you like to share some of yours?