Front-yard Cricket

Welcome to 2019 🙂

The weather finally cooled down enough to actually be outside and we had a family moment ❤

December was a tough month. It’s the anniversary of my stillborn son’s birthday. I slowed down early and then when break time really came around I felt I had to ‘do’ especially as I had Hubby home ‘thanks’ to an achilles injury. So then the guilt started and the flatness spread and I just couldn’t get into the Christmas energy. Thankfully I trust my family and friends and feel no need to act, so much food and joyful fellowship was still had. My energy is gradually returning and I’m working on focusing on the moment rather than stressing about what hasn’t been done and what I feel needs to be done in the future (and trying to be understanding towards my family). I still generally feel like an over-privileged princess as I constantly choose puzzles, reading and tv over houshold tasks. But I get the washing and dishes done and I’m confident my children feel loved which is priority no. 1.

I usually like New Years Resolutions but havn’t had the motivation yet – still working on my Christmas letters! Having said that things must be improving…..

1. One blog a month.
2. I’d like to do something political this Australian election year. I got some ‘beginner’s guide’ books for Christmas
3. Finish my counselling degree – to be honest I’m pretty scared about this, I had hoped to finish last year but due to mental health slowed this right down
4. Make our spare room functional
5. Rehash last years goal of spending more time outdoors/exercising

Each day is an open book for me at the moment – such a gift – such a responsibility.

There’s going to be good moments, nothing moments, some shockers and a whole lot in between. I pray I continue to seek connection. I’m not sure what God’s purpose for my life is but I will try and trust that each step in this journey, even the one’s I take in a dysfunctional direction are teaching me what I need to know.

 

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Three Thoughts

My first personal memory of a community in mourning was when a woman was murdered from a previous workplace of mine. Even when you may not be closely associated with a person, the magnitude of the loss of their life can still floor you. I guess that is how it is for some people with celebrity deaths.

In recent times my local community has been struck by tragedy after tragedy after tragedy. As I watched footage tonight of six young pall bearers I reflected on the honour that no person wants but that I was so blessed to have for My Friend. Thought One.

Secondly I’ve finally had the ‘holiday’ experience I’ve been dreaming of this week – ending the day with episodes of Grey’s Anatomy. But (spoiler alert) I’m watching the episodes about Keppner and Avery’s baby and reflecting on the choice I was once given to terminate my pregnancy. Mostly I consider the blessing I had to continue to carry him in my womb, for which I will forever be grateful. Thought Two.

Today was about tax, work notes, Telstra and chores. Thought Three – I hate end of year time as part of my in-laws family business. I hate what I feel to be judgement and a complete misunderstanding of who I am and my values. But on the bright side hubby and I have been communicating well and that is something I wish I could hang onto for all time.

Any thoughts you care to get off you chest?

God bless

Reflecting on our boarder experience

I was planning on doing a post on this topic after watching a Four Corners (ABC) episode* on “Broken Homes’ about Australia’s child protection crisis, in particular ‘resi’ residential care, but this morning my motives have changed somewhat. Our 18 year old boarders mother passed away this week and I feel my strongest first reaction is not so much sadness for her loss (although there is that along with care and worry) but moreso ‘did I do everything right?’

My mother and I received a message from her saying something had come up and she wouldn’t be back from visiting home as expected, when I replied asking if everything was ok she texted back- talk later. I sent another message that night about random local news and then last night when I saw something on facebook stalked and texted asking was she ok, she replied with details of her plan to return.

I don’t feel hurt that she hasn’t told me herself (found out via a facebook post this morning with some of my friends offering condolences before I even knew), well actually yes I guess I do feel hurt and wondering what could/should I have done differently? How can I be there for her now? I think I’m overly sensitive about these things. I havn’t called as I feel maybe she’s kept me at a distance for a reason, but rather sent texts and fb msgs.

I think I’m scared. I know I havn’t been the most supportive person to her. That’s my biggest concern regarding this experience. I entered into it thinking it could be a stepping stone for our family towards fostering and while it has gone well, there have been times when I know I should be doing more, checking in more, talking more but I was tired, I was selfish and it wasn’t my responsibility. After all she was just a boarder paying rent for a room and feed. Yes I wanted to be a friend, family even – but there were times when I placated myself with, I didn’t have to, it wasn’t my responsibility, she wasn’t my child.

After watching the tv show and seeing the horror that is Australia’s care system I am even more pulled towards fostering. That along with all the posters and ads I’ve been seeing this year have been making me consider God’s call. In fact the morning after the show I was going to call our local service and start the ball rolling, even without hubby’s agreement (although being honest about it.) But this would be different to having a boarder. It WOULD be my responsibility. If we took this on, I wouldn’t be able to laze on the couch after a long day and placate myself. I would need to get up and deal with their issues. And as children in the foster system the issues would likely need a lot of time and effort. I’m a far from perfect carer but at the same time I feel confident my imperfections are better than other alternatives for foster children, arn’t they? Could I and my family be helpers to children in need? Or would the business of our lives (our selfishness) leave too little time and effort to give them the love and care they need? I didn’t get to making that call, life got crazy again, but the idea/seed is not going away. If you are the praying type ask God to give me direction and to help me act on His call in his perfect timing.

 

*http://www.abc.net.au/4corners/stories/2016/11/14/4572365.htm

 

Post script – it’s been over a week since I first found out and I’ve been blessed with the honour of supporting our boarder and attending her Mum’s funeral. She is ok.

 

 

pps So I literally just pressed publish on this post and this quote came up on my FB feed ‘There is no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a great one’ …