life · mental health · Uncategorized

The Failed Experiment

The other night I started a reading for my ‘Working with Mental Health’ course about anxiety and I must say I was feeling pretty impressed with myself. Alas the pride before the fall (or however the saying goes). I was feeling good about how I hadn’t really been experiencing anxiety that I could think of, hooray my self-confidence seemed to be travelling well.

I had a great Saturday but work Friday and Sunday were stressful, not unexpectedly leading up to work-shadowing on Monday! An anxious response to such an event is perfectly normally (as my reading told me). But now I must confess to my attempted experiment. I’ve had a few weekends away recently when I’ve left my medications at home and survived! Following that I thought to myself, well perhaps I’m ready to reduce my anti-depressants, and without consultation I stopped one of my daily tablets reducing my intake by 75mg.

Today I declared this experiment a failure and returned to taking my prescribed dosage. And I’m annoyed. I’ve been feeling more stressed and emotionally worn out but there is no evidence to be able to assuredly say that this is because of my reduced medication. It could just as likely be due simply to more stressful life circumstances in recent weeks. But why put myself through extra stress if the tablets do help? And so my brain has been on over-drive, overthinking, over analyzing over …  I was going to wait until after today to decide if it was medication or life affecting me, as today is my free day. No kids, no travel, just home with a chance to get on top of things. I’ve been waiting for this day and now that it’s here there is pressure to make sure it’s not wasted. Pressure on my free day?!? Good work brain. So I took the tablet this morning and I’m annoyed at myself at being disappointed. I have no qualms about taking medication for my mental health and yet it still seems an ideal to reduce that medication. I like to think it’s a cost thing because less medications equals less money spent but I’m financially blessed so really what does it matter…..?

Now faithful readers I’m going to give you an insight into the justifications that have been going round and round my head – reasons why I’ve been feeling more stressed out:

  • Reading about anxiety is bound to bring up feelings of anxiety
  • Assignments are looming and I don’t feel like I’ve had a chance to sit down and really focus on study (that was what today was for)
  • The box of papers that I’ve been constantly adding to, to sort through, but not finding time to deal with
  • Waking up to a messy kitchen/house
  • Relationship stuff
  • Parenting stuff
  • Just a general sense of not feeling on top of all that is coming up
  • Decisions to be made around playing netball and after school activities
  • Feeling so worn out and taking time to nap rather than putting those drawers I bought weeks ago into my bedroom and continuing the process of decluttering
  • Preparing for upcoming birthdays
  • Buying a new car
  • Preparing for work
  • Doing those exercises my therapist gave me not to mention trying to eat better…
  • Making time for blogging 😊
  • Actually clearing the table not just reorganising into different piles!
  • Oooh not to mention my period starting

Oh my what a release to actually write some of those things out. I am a list lover but I’ve tended in recent times to avoid them as they so often get made and then simply added to that box of papers. I think I can work with this list above. I think I may be able to acknowledge some of those stressors and move on.

I feel like this week my brain has gone back to that cycle of overthinking whereas when I’m truly well, I don’t think I just do. I don’t rehash and work on justifying I just feel. But I’m not really sure maybe it’s all just the reverse-placebo effect, maybe I’m making a mountain out of a molehill, maybe I’m mis-remembering.

And maybe today was a good day. Maybe today was just what I needed to get back on track of all those thoughts going round and round. Another good day. I got what I needed to done, not all that would have been ideal but some extra stuff too aka a normal good day. I don’t really care about the medication, even though I’m feeling much better now I’m not goin to re-attempt the experiment (just yet :p ) but I will keep working on and addressing my mental health after all it’s what keep me sane!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Friendship….

faith · relationships · Uncategorized

Pimples on my tongue

Does anyone else get pimples on their tongues?

I think it could be a stress thing…I also swear my teeth get sharper at certain times of the year causing pimples, I’ve had two recently and its annoying.

Please give me advice so I don’t have to resort to Doctor Google!

 

In other news….

I started this draft post a month ago Is it over yet? Part 2

 

communicating with hubby…

wanting him to tell me he cares….

in-laws separation…..

 

It has been a tough month relationship wise, I was near breaking point really when I wrote my man a letter and the next morning without explicit prompting he said, ‘I’m sorry.’ Wow can’t tell you how much that meant to me. I read so much into those simple words, that he understood why I was upset and that he could see that his actions had hurt me. So once again there’s hope.

One thing I have been struggling with is I think he is actually the one suffering at the moment and so for me to be having thoughts of needing more from him feels selfish. I do however believe he needs to let me in. I can’t ignore my own needs if he doesn’t share with me. Communication is slow and progress slower still (so it feels) but at least it’s moving again.

 

Short post but I think that’s enough. Wishing you all a blessed weekend and in particular that your relationships may flourish.

 

Actually I do have something else to add, this step forward has been a real answer to prayer. I found this blog approximately 3 years ago, printed it out and stuck it in my Bible. Such a good way to approach conflict in marriage – to pray for your partner. Definitely not always easy but in those times I take comfort that the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. Rom 8:26 (Thanks Vanessa)

 

From Becky Thompson 10 Prayers for my Husbands Heart

Lord, I ask that you would touch my husband’s heart. I pray that his heart would be…

1.)    CONFIDENT of Your love for Him.

2.)    SENSITIVE to the promptings of Your Holy Spirit.

3.)    BRAVE as he follows you in all areas of his life.

4.)    SOFT so that he may show Your love to others always.

5.)    WISE in always discerning truth.

6.)    GENTLE with my heart and the hearts of our children.

7.)    RECEPTIVE of my love for him.

8.)    STRONG in doing what you have called him to do.

9.)    PROTECTED from the lusts that would try to ensnare it.

10.)  REFLECTIVE of the love of his Heavenly Father.

Father, I thank You for the wonderful man that You have given me. Help me to always see Him as you do. Help me to remember to pray for His heart daily. Grow our relationship emotionally and spiritually as together we pursue You in all things.

life · Uncategorized

Breathing Space

It’s been awhile in between posts. I was busy with end of semester assignments and it was tough. I got stressed. And my uncle killed himself.

 

There was so much more I was going to write, life has been busy as always and everyday brings new things to reflect on/stew over/praise God for but…

 

I’m on a 2 week mid-semester study break and considering dropping out of studies for a bit to focus on my own mental well-being. If it happens I will recommit to a blog a week or maybe to take pressure off, once a fortnight. Until then – enjoy your Friday night/weekend/wordpress reading.

 

ps to anyone that reads this it means a lot, feeling connected and heard is what I love about the world of blogging