mental health · Uncategorized

Struggling in December

Subtitled: Flat, tired, sore and harvest-time

Tagline: Be prepared to get inspired LOL, PMSL, ROFL

I’m a bit down guys. I hurt my ankle about a month back, and then my back a fortnight ago and now I have a cold. Even longer ago I finished study for the year and was super excited to have a chance to catch up on things but then life happened. I now finally have a few home days in a row but energy and motivation are-a hard find.

I still believe its achievable or else unimportant both possibilities which leave no comeuppance for the right now.

I think I’m grieving. I miss my son. And the way I best deal with his death is knowing he’s better off never having had to live in this world. Cos this world sux plus I’m a bad Mum. So then I feel guilty for my still living son and daughter who still have to put with me. Even my husband.

Except it’s harvest so husband is non-existent anyways

 

**Edit 3 days later

I had a bad day. Preceded by some not great days. It happens, and while I wasn’t remotely happy with this post I clicked publish anyway cos I just needed to get it out there – and it helped – a lot. My goal at the start of the bad day was to spend 5 mins cleaning in each room and connect with friends on Facebook. I had the same goal the next day and achieved it by lunch time. On the bad day everything was too hard and it took til just before bedtime to connect. Thank goodness I did though cos suddenly I had hope for the next day. Amazingly spending time getting organised for work also helped. I think I’m learning resilience.

I really want to write to people struggling about the two things that I believe help me the most.

  1. Allowing yourself a bad day. At the time it’s scary because you don’t know if you’ll have the ability to keep it to one day, but I watched Dvds, got bored and actually acknowledged that what I was experiencing was grief. I think that’s the first time I’ve actually been able to say that, normally I put it down to general depression. And probably it doesn’t even matter what it is the cause, if there is a cause, but to have a bad day to grieve my son, I needed that.
  2. Connection. I knew right off the bat I needed it, but it wasn’t easy. My mum and sister both called but I wasn’t in the right space to talk to them. I wanted to put something on Facebook but it was hard. Eventually I put my negative post on twitter (which I barely use) and then put a positive spin on it for FB. And the miracle that turned my day was an old uni friend commenting. That’s my connection story, yours can be completely different but even when it feels impossible my best advice is connect

If you can’t tell, my week has completely turned around, even to the point of believing getting ready for Christmas is achievable! I know I am incredibly blessed and I know my experience of depression is minor compared to others who suffer, for those in the black hole please reach out, you’re experience may be different but anyone can get to the point of more good days than bad.

 

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faith · life · relationships · Uncategorized

Beyond the Best of Times

Of course after my last post things wouldn’t just stay the same. It’s been two weeks of struggle town, although mostly just a few off days with the fear that this could be the beginning of the slide d…

down.

This poem by Moira Neagle a fellow country South Australian really struck me (via Beyond the Best of Times — Moira Neagle’s Word Addiction)

 

There are times

when you are running with hounds

Each day presents its own delights,

the air is warm,

the grass whispers

as you leap frog ahead,

friends bound with you

the sky is deepest blue

 

(My life before the past two weeks!)

 

Your run is halted

A wall, fence, barrier

stops your energetic flow,

the spring in your step

 

(A bad day and the fear of more to come)

 

Time must be taken

to pause

to trot along the extent

to consider options

to look for the narrowest

of possible openings

 

(I had to try hard to stop the fear, let go of the day that was, forgive it and find the best possible opening for moving on)

 

Beyond is beckoning,

the view enticing,

the opening impossibly constricted

 

(I knew I would jinx myself, in stating my joy sure enough the feeling started to squeeze away)

 

The light,

the breeze

the fragrances

fade

in the face

limitation

 

Limitation struck me this week, I got tired, grumpy and emotional. I was hurt, I was stuck – I gave up some of my pleasures knowing I was close to falling asleep at the wheel. Yesterday I was particularly tearful, angry with my husband. Last night I told him, I explained and he apologised.

This morning my ‘acts of service’ man got up, kept the children away so I could sleep in and even got them dressed. The best of times may be fleeting but God keeps sprinkling amazing moments throughout my days. I pray that He continues to give me the resilience to step back and see them.

 

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How can I judge?

I’m a bit scared to share this…

A big news story in Australia over the Christmas break was the horrible deaths of a father and his two sons in a smallish country town. I don’t want to describe it so you may need to find a news article if you haven’t heard of it – google search Port Lincoln.

Of course social media saw a storm of articles following. His family came out with statements sharing that the father had seemed plagued with mental health issues – sadly without seeking help. His wife came out with words of love despite his actions. Many causes sought to use this awful incident for raising awareness of their own issues for example domestic violence. I however have been hesitant to equate theses tragic deaths with anything – we do not know all the details.

Many have rightfully  been appalled that a father could kill his children but I have a secret. I have experienced suicidal thoughts. I have been in the dark depths of depression. At one time I found myself thinking that if I killed myself I would have to kill my children too.

It was an awful place to be in.

I feel I can’t judge anyone without knowing all the details – not when I have had the same thoughts.

Do you judge me?

 

If you are struggling or know of anyone, have a look at this site and take action:https://mhaustralia.org/need-help

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That Wonderful Time of Year

Life has been pretty good to me the last few weeks. I’ve been experiencing that wonderful feeling when you come out from a depression and everything just feels so amazingly better. I’ve got more energy, motivation and feel happy and content. I’ve also again realised just how crappy depression is for making you feel so awful.

I feel very fortunate to have made it out of the hole in time for Christmas – I’ve been able to get organised even writing my annual Christmas letters.

Big achievements for my family this year were

  • my daughter completed her year of kindy – where she truly thrived and matured. She is a clever, friendly, even helpful (!) young lady and has made us so proud. Throughout the year she participated in Preschool Games (mini Olympics), Grandparents day and visits with police, fire and ambulance personnel to name just a few highlights. She also caught the bus, and is so very ready for school
  • my son at 2 started family day care once a week . He loves babies especially his new cousins – when he gets to see them. He has a big love of all things farm and machinery, loving going with Grandpa to check sheep or rides in trucks/tractors/headers. He attended two concerts this year Wiggles and Fairies, he sat so still and engrossed at both it was hard to know if he enjoyed , but constant requests to go back for more got the message across.
  • my husband played in two grand finals for cricket and football, sadly coming second in both. He still came home with several more trophies. He also continued his gardening passion. The kids particularly love picking peas with him and we have flowers too. Harvest went well.
  • A few achievements for myself were organising a movie night to raise money for White Ribbon (domestic violence) and successfully applying for a grant to get funding for a play area at our local sporting ground

My Pa passed away earlier this month, he was my last remaining grandparent. While I will miss him I am so very happy that he is now in heaven, his long awaited destination after a life dedicated to Jesus. His funeral was a special occasion with 11/13 of his grandchildren present and all 15 great-grandchildren, we went to a park together to catch up.

Last week I returned to work, I m doing an extra day, two days a week and so far it’s gone well. Amazing how much easier life is when you have confidence in your self. I hope you too are feeling well and have some lovely plans for over the next few days

God bless

 

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A slog of a week

This was a HARD week, made harder by all the mind games my head likes to play on me, here’s how it went down…

Monday wasn’t too bad -I dropped my daughter off at kindy, my son at my Mums and went to a class at the gym before seeing a few clients for work. Home after kindy and exhausted lounged on the couch with kids.

Tuesday – home day – been hating these lately, too much pressure to get stuff done and constant kid-wrangling/entertaining. This should have been a less pressured week because there was nothing pressing to achieve, but rather than relax I felt guilty I wasn’t using the time properly to take advantage of it. My number one problem over-thinking!!

Wednesday/workday – have been a bit out of the zone lately work-wise and after lunch was so tempting to nap in the car but thank goodness I pushed and got my notes all done

Thursday – went into town at 11 for a day of appointments and finally bookclub*

Friday – all week I had been struggling with the fear I was sliding into depression, I had a major lack of energy, was  watching dvds any chance I had – not enjoying it though because of guilt. But today I looked back at my week realised I had achieved something each day and I made a plan. I started as soon as I got up tidying my childrens wardrobes and putting the sheets on for a wash (had been feeling crap about their ill-fitting clothes) and although I did hit a wall by 8am and cooked a shit lunch for my family I got through and had a great afternoon, asked for parents to pretty please deliver chicken so I could cook a meal, visited the neighbours and most awesome of all folded all the washing. Has been weeks in the trenches but I think I can finally declare I am on top of the washing, for you know all of 2 seconds! Then suddenly the house felt the cleanest it had been in weeks and life looked so much brighter. It was a real turning point.

It’s holidays now so maybe it was just a case of end of term fatigue but I hate how a few bad days – normal stay-at-home Mum/ housewife days really, quickly resulted in constant over-analysis of could this be depression – I’m a bad person – I’m almost suicidal. Obviously more to work on there but as soon as I broke out and felt a bit better, I was on cloud nine, soaking in grateful smiles and engaging with the world.

*book review to come!

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I DO want to

I’ve had a serious case of the I DON’T WANT TO’s the last few days….

I don’t want to deal with my kids constant arguing

I don’t want to sit down and play with them so they are actually engaged in an activity instead of driving me mad

I don’t want to exercise

I don’t want to look up recipes in an attempt to get my family eating healthily

I don’t want to do anything so it’s easier just to go to bed. even though no amount of rest is ever enough to help me face the next day.

I was worried about my work day today, worried I wasn’t prepared. I had plenty of time before my first client though and by lunch I’d sent the email and made the call I’d been trying to put off in my head. That felt good.

But then my client after lunch didn’t go great, I felt like a fraud. And I’ve had that feeling before and with all this not wanting to do anything it has me scared.

I came home and slumped, thankfully here I am now writing a post. I’ve scraped myself up from the couch so that’s a promising start

My goals:

I want to play games with my kids

I want to stick to the spring challenge I’ve signed up for at the gym – I want to be accountable about my exercise

I want to find a way that works for me to provide healthy meals for both my family and myself

I want to study to increase my job options and confidence

I want to feel close to and supported by and supportive to my husband

and step by step I CAN achieve these goals, who’s with me?

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A taste of D

Distractions (written in March)

So i’ve found my new distraction, WordPress. I’m feeling better but i still don’t want to do, i just want to think about all the possible reasons why I am not doing.
I totally agree that there are people in this world too busy doing to think about happiness but I don’t know how to encapsulate that in my own life. I can so easily get away with doing nothing, I don’t like doing it, makes me feel crap but…… that BUT is the huge question of my life

Edit: I’ve been back on track for a few months now – thankfully anti-depressants work for me.