Book Review – A Kind of Magic

A Kind of Magic by Anna Spargo-Ryan

The back of the book has a review quote from Clementine Ford, ‘Anna Spargo-Ryan writes with the kind of searing insight and beauty that both shatters your soul and also pieces it back together. I hope she never stops.’

This is truly a remarkable book, I’d give it 4+ stars (out of five) but nonetheless I found it difficult to read. The searing insight truly shattered my soul – it was painful, raw and oh so real. This was a definite real life story of someone going through experiences that at times seemed out of this world and yet were so relatably real they hurt.

This start to the New Year has been tough for me. It’s a true case of New Year, New Me, except I really really wish I could go back to the old me. The old me was a wife and mother. The new me is an ex-wife and ‘part-time’ mother. These were the two most important roles to me and although I’ll always be a full time mother, they both feel lost to me….and not by choice.

I’ve had about 6 months to get used to the idea but New Year (and probably post-Christmas stress) hit me again afresh (as I’m sure the grief will hit again and again for awhile).

This book was a gift from a friend who bought it online and had it sent to my address. I love this friend and really respect her reading recommendations, so even though it was difficult to get into I knew it would be worth it. And tbh, it wasn’t so much that it was difficult to get into (although sometimes it was) but moreso it was painfully raw. It felt a relief to put it away after a page or a section and was then at the same time difficult to reflect that as a person’s memoir I could set it aside, they can’t just set aside their life (or more specifically their mental illness)

The book is essneitally about the author Anna’s experience with anxiety, psychosis, borderline personality disorder and depression and it’s impact on her life.

Getting back to my ‘tough’ life, as I continued pressing on with my reading, I had days where I could identify my own symptoms of anxiety and depression coming to the fore. I don’t know if the book exacerbated them or if it was just where I was in life but whilst I could recognise and appreciate the excellent writing and truly insight, much needed voice of lived experience it was rather hard going.

There is much humour in how Anna writes but it really was quite close to the end before I truly felt a shift to optimism and ‘the magic of finding ourselves again’.

Each chapter began with a clinical or technical definition of an aspect of life with mental illness, a real juxtaposition to the honest lived experience shared.

…It’s now nearly the end of March – a testament to how long I can keep a tab open on my computer and avoid getting back to it! But there’s another post on my mind and I won’t let myself start that until this is posted. Thankfully I discover there’s enough here to be publish worthy (by whatever standard I choose to declare that). I had dog eared several pages in the book and intended to go through and share what made me do so but I’m going to pick just a few to share (and get this over and done with)…

“So I have to trust that it will abate. I have had to learn to wait. I have learned to be patient with my
fear.’ [Yes! I get this, and the below page too]

Lastly – we have to do better. These last two images show the shocking state of our support systems for mental illness in Australia – first an experience of an emergency room and the second acknowledgement of the luck of privilege [Sorry this post is a bit of mess – main message – lived experience memoirs rock and this one especially – thank you Anna Spargo-Ryan]

My Hats, My Inadequacies and My Readings

It appears I’ve had a bit of a hiatus from the blogosphere. Similarly it appears that the end of school holidays is my time for posting. So here I am again, this time at the end of Term 3 holidays, relaxed and inpired enough to make time to sit in front of the screen and type out a post.

We were ready for these holidays, worn out from our routines and ready for a break, and yet I largely spent my time feeling inadequate and guilty, then trying not to let these feelings take me down. We did participate in various activities and particularly enjoyed recent days as a whole family in our capital city (family, friends, adventures, beach, soccer fields, viva pinata!) but I found the days long and screen and snack time difficult to manage. I kept my head above water and am coming out of this time especially motivated to build my business – I’m thinking this may help me justify OSHC next holidays!

My Hats:

• Parenting is number one but it can be at the same time the hardest and easiest. My children are old enough to do much themselves (easy) but there is so much scope for more active parenting on my behalf (oh so hard). My son is pushing boundaries (do they ever not!) and gets so easily angry at home. My daughter is growing too quickly for me to keep up, she doesn’t share easily and I want to work on our relationship so I can feel more confident she will reach out if needed.
• Family – keeping house and feeding the tribe – I feel happy when I’m on top of dishes and washing and we’ve done (the kids and I) something each day – walk, outing, cards, soccer.
• Renovations – we are moving house sometime before the year is out and completing renovations before we do – I had hoped the holidays would be time to get on top of this but it felt overwhelming to work on independently and my husband was not readily available – my mind debated if this was excuse or truth
• Volunteering – I had a few tasks for one role that I wanted to tick off, I got there but it was frustrating not to just get in and get it done earlier. Another role I was happy to take a backseat on during holidays, especially following some recent negativity but again some frustration arose with opportunities missed due to lack of – well it wasn’t exactly time, nor was it motivation perhaps a combination of the two and difficulty accessing timely support. Another role is ending prematurely not by anyone’s choice with some sadness.
• Work – wonderfully flexible and slow in holidays but again the opportunity to catch up on PD (professional development) or other such ‘always there’ jobs went wanting

I did finally start Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning (good for PD) – this book helped me move from my mother-guilt to what other purpose or meaning I could be searching for. The movie Carrie Pilby also spoke of purpose and touched my heart

AND I bookended the holidays with 2 wonderful reads, both South-Australian authors:

The Bards of Birchtree Hall by Amanda Maynard-Schubert – I got to read this pre-release date, and as number one in a trilogy it’s going to be a struggle to wait – it is the beginning of the story of Neala ‘Stormbringer’ Moran as she discovers she’s part-faerie – I fell immediately in love with this book. Neala’s voice was just so relatable, open and honest, it felt like home. Each character introduced intrigued me and the relationships felt so genuine. It’s Harry Potter in flavour but wonderfully different. The elemental nature of the magic, the importance of music and the learning styles at Birchtree are truly unique.

The Dictionary of Lost Words by Pip Williams – Based on the creation of the Oxford English Dictionary the author was considering questions of ‘Do words mean different things to men and women? And if they do, is it possible that we have lost something in the process of defining them?’ Again a beautiful and diverse cast of characters around the main character Esme who we follow from childhood through the women’s suffrage movement and the Great War, finding her own purpose. I love historical fiction especially when it inspires me, as it did today, to google and google to find out more!

Love to the blogging community

GJ

ps I do NOT get this new editor….adding photos anyone??

Thankful for…

As is tradition (or so it sometimes feels) I’ll start my post my saying it’s been a rough couple of weeks with grief, depression, end of year busy-ness/slow-ness taking it’s toll. Each day ends with a significant sense of survival, I made it through another day. In between there have been small moments of wonder, joy, connection and….thankfulness

• I’m thankful for good books

A Lifetime of Impossible Days by Tabitha Bird – a powerful read, with a gum-boot wearing Granny, a daring big sister and a big dose of trauma.

The Calling Of Emily Evans by Janette Oke – a re-read as I think about division in my church around women pastors. Janette Oke has written many sweet christian-romances and they are great go to, easy books – this one looking at the role of a deaconess

Up Out of Egypt by Helen Marsh – one of those books that sit on your shelves for sometime before appearing again at just the right time, a very personal autobiography.

Streiker 1 & 2 by Robin Hardy – I’d love to do a more in-depth review of these books, an analogy of Christ and his church with many poignant metaphors.

And tonight a truly Australian read Taking Tom Murray Home by Tim Slee – another great story told from the perspective of a young boy with a timely rural message. (Plese check out https://wordpress.com/read/blogs/13822335/posts/12677 for a great review)

• I’m thankful for good tv shows

A Million Little things and I started The Handmaid’s Tale Saturday and have already binged my way a fair way through.

Along with the last book above though I wonder about their messages and the take-home points…

• my children and the deep  love that connects me to them
• Christmas shopping with my husband
• meaningful distractions
• puzzles
• no judgement from others just myself
• limited pressures
• being trusted to listen to others stories
• health and security
• God

June: Six degrees of WWW

I’ve been wondering how to bring myself back into the blogging world after somewhat of a hiatus (just one post since end of March). There are a few drafts sitting around, most of which would take a lot of effort to get back to where I was when I started them.

Today though I finished a great book (not the first since March!) and it may just be my Tipping Point – this months chosen starting title for the meme, Six Degrees of Separation  hosted by booksaremyfavouriteandbest. The meme gets you to take one title, and link through six other titles to see where you end up.

The Tipping Point: How Little Things Can Make a Big Difference by Malcolm Gladwell sounds like my kind of book. I’m a big believer in small acts of kindness and my big ambition in life is to make a difference. His focus however it seems is in how products sell so perhaps not so much my thing.

My most recent depressive experience has turned into quite a tipping point for me – I’ve quite my job, not completed one uni subject and extended another. These are pretty big changes and I wouldn’t normally advocate for making such decisions as a result of depression but after good discussions with my hubby, various friends and lots of prayer I’m feeling pretty comfortable.

Alright, now how I am going to link this to my next book….

Yeah I’m not, instead here’s the list of awesome books I’ve recently read:

• The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein
• The Kite Runner by Hosseini, Khaled
• Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine by Gail Honeyman
• The Very Grumpy Day by Stella Jones

Also for your enjoyment here’s a bit of a review from a WWW Wednesday I attempted rather awhile back

What did you recently finish reading: Tell Me Your Here by Anne Deveson this last (haha) weekend. I really like Deveson’s writing style which in this autobiography (much like her book Resilience)  shares a lot of information and personal story. It showed a harrowing image of mental health care particularly for schizophrenia and around homelessness which thankfully in her Afterword suggested improvement although I’m sure not enough.

 

What do you think you’ll read next:

I have Anthony Lehman’s (an Australian comedian) book This Shirt Won’t Iron Itself which I’m looking forward to having a read of – in fact I finished it last week. There was a bit about country living and families I could relate to, especially the bar man brother but the author and I are very different people so majority of the book was really not my thing.

Thanks for having me back WP, hope you readers are all doing well, I’d love to hear about some of your recent reads or maybe a tipping point in your life.

God bless

GJ

 

Struggling in December

Subtitled: Flat, tired, sore and harvest-time

Tagline: Be prepared to get inspired LOL, PMSL, ROFL

I’m a bit down guys. I hurt my ankle about a month back, and then my back a fortnight ago and now I have a cold. Even longer ago I finished study for the year and was super excited to have a chance to catch up on things but then life happened. I now finally have a few home days in a row but energy and motivation are-a hard find.

I still believe its achievable or else unimportant both possibilities which leave no comeuppance for the right now.

I think I’m grieving. I miss my son. And the way I best deal with his death is knowing he’s better off never having had to live in this world. Cos this world sux plus I’m a bad Mum. So then I feel guilty for my still living son and daughter who still have to put with me. Even my husband.

Except it’s harvest so husband is non-existent anyways

 

**Edit 3 days later

I had a bad day. Preceded by some not great days. It happens, and while I wasn’t remotely happy with this post I clicked publish anyway cos I just needed to get it out there – and it helped – a lot. My goal at the start of the bad day was to spend 5 mins cleaning in each room and connect with friends on Facebook. I had the same goal the next day and achieved it by lunch time. On the bad day everything was too hard and it took til just before bedtime to connect. Thank goodness I did though cos suddenly I had hope for the next day. Amazingly spending time getting organised for work also helped. I think I’m learning resilience.

I really want to write to people struggling about the two things that I believe help me the most.

1. Allowing yourself a bad day. At the time it’s scary because you don’t know if you’ll have the ability to keep it to one day, but I watched Dvds, got bored and actually acknowledged that what I was experiencing was grief. I think that’s the first time I’ve actually been able to say that, normally I put it down to general depression. And probably it doesn’t even matter what it is the cause, if there is a cause, but to have a bad day to grieve my son, I needed that.
2. Connection. I knew right off the bat I needed it, but it wasn’t easy. My mum and sister both called but I wasn’t in the right space to talk to them. I wanted to put something on Facebook but it was hard. Eventually I put my negative post on twitter (which I barely use) and then put a positive spin on it for FB. And the miracle that turned my day was an old uni friend commenting. That’s my connection story, yours can be completely different but even when it feels impossible my best advice is connect

If you can’t tell, my week has completely turned around, even to the point of believing getting ready for Christmas is achievable! I know I am incredibly blessed and I know my experience of depression is minor compared to others who suffer, for those in the black hole please reach out, you’re experience may be different but anyone can get to the point of more good days than bad.

 

Beyond the Best of Times

Of course after my last post things wouldn’t just stay the same. It’s been two weeks of struggle town, although mostly just a few off days with the fear that this could be the beginning of the slide d…

down.

This poem by Moira Neagle a fellow country South Australian really struck me (via Beyond the Best of Times — Moira Neagle’s Word Addiction)

 

There are times

when you are running with hounds

Each day presents its own delights,

the air is warm,

the grass whispers

as you leap frog ahead,

friends bound with you

the sky is deepest blue

 

(My life before the past two weeks!)

 

Your run is halted

A wall, fence, barrier

stops your energetic flow,

the spring in your step

 

(A bad day and the fear of more to come)

 

Time must be taken

to pause

to trot along the extent

to consider options

to look for the narrowest

of possible openings

 

(I had to try hard to stop the fear, let go of the day that was, forgive it and find the best possible opening for moving on)

 

Beyond is beckoning,

the view enticing,

the opening impossibly constricted

 

(I knew I would jinx myself, in stating my joy sure enough the feeling started to squeeze away)

 

The light,

the breeze

the fragrances

fade

in the face

limitation

 

Limitation struck me this week, I got tired, grumpy and emotional. I was hurt, I was stuck – I gave up some of my pleasures knowing I was close to falling asleep at the wheel. Yesterday I was particularly tearful, angry with my husband. Last night I told him, I explained and he apologised.

This morning my ‘acts of service’ man got up, kept the children away so I could sleep in and even got them dressed. The best of times may be fleeting but God keeps sprinkling amazing moments throughout my days. I pray that He continues to give me the resilience to step back and see them.

 

How can I judge?

I’m a bit scared to share this…

A big news story in Australia over the Christmas break was the horrible deaths of a father and his two sons in a smallish country town. I don’t want to describe it so you may need to find a news article if you haven’t heard of it – google search Port Lincoln.

Of course social media saw a storm of articles following. His family came out with statements sharing that the father had seemed plagued with mental health issues – sadly without seeking help. His wife came out with words of love despite his actions. Many causes sought to use this awful incident for raising awareness of their own issues for example domestic violence. I however have been hesitant to equate theses tragic deaths with anything – we do not know all the details.

Many have rightfully  been appalled that a father could kill his children but I have a secret. I have experienced suicidal thoughts. I have been in the dark depths of depression. At one time I found myself thinking that if I killed myself I would have to kill my children too.

It was an awful place to be in.

I feel I can’t judge anyone without knowing all the details – not when I have had the same thoughts.

Do you judge me?

 

If you are struggling or know of anyone, have a look at this site and take action:https://mhaustralia.org/need-help

That Wonderful Time of Year

Life has been pretty good to me the last few weeks. I’ve been experiencing that wonderful feeling when you come out from a depression and everything just feels so amazingly better. I’ve got more energy, motivation and feel happy and content. I’ve also again realised just how crappy depression is for making you feel so awful.

I feel very fortunate to have made it out of the hole in time for Christmas – I’ve been able to get organised even writing my annual Christmas letters.

Big achievements for my family this year were

• my daughter completed her year of kindy – where she truly thrived and matured. She is a clever, friendly, even helpful (!) young lady and has made us so proud. Throughout the year she participated in Preschool Games (mini Olympics), Grandparents day and visits with police, fire and ambulance personnel to name just a few highlights. She also caught the bus, and is so very ready for school
• my son at 2 started family day care once a week . He loves babies especially his new cousins – when he gets to see them. He has a big love of all things farm and machinery, loving going with Grandpa to check sheep or rides in trucks/tractors/headers. He attended two concerts this year Wiggles and Fairies, he sat so still and engrossed at both it was hard to know if he enjoyed , but constant requests to go back for more got the message across.
• my husband played in two grand finals for cricket and football, sadly coming second in both. He still came home with several more trophies. He also continued his gardening passion. The kids particularly love picking peas with him and we have flowers too. Harvest went well.
• A few achievements for myself were organising a movie night to raise money for White Ribbon (domestic violence) and successfully applying for a grant to get funding for a play area at our local sporting ground

My Pa passed away earlier this month, he was my last remaining grandparent. While I will miss him I am so very happy that he is now in heaven, his long awaited destination after a life dedicated to Jesus. His funeral was a special occasion with 11/13 of his grandchildren present and all 15 great-grandchildren, we went to a park together to catch up.

Last week I returned to work, I m doing an extra day, two days a week and so far it’s gone well. Amazing how much easier life is when you have confidence in your self. I hope you too are feeling well and have some lovely plans for over the next few days

God bless

 

A slog of a week

This was a HARD week, made harder by all the mind games my head likes to play on me, here’s how it went down…

Monday wasn’t too bad -I dropped my daughter off at kindy, my son at my Mums and went to a class at the gym before seeing a few clients for work. Home after kindy and exhausted lounged on the couch with kids.

Tuesday – home day – been hating these lately, too much pressure to get stuff done and constant kid-wrangling/entertaining. This should have been a less pressured week because there was nothing pressing to achieve, but rather than relax I felt guilty I wasn’t using the time properly to take advantage of it. My number one problem over-thinking!!

Wednesday/workday – have been a bit out of the zone lately work-wise and after lunch was so tempting to nap in the car but thank goodness I pushed and got my notes all done

Thursday – went into town at 11 for a day of appointments and finally bookclub*

Friday – all week I had been struggling with the fear I was sliding into depression, I had a major lack of energy, was  watching dvds any chance I had – not enjoying it though because of guilt. But today I looked back at my week realised I had achieved something each day and I made a plan. I started as soon as I got up tidying my childrens wardrobes and putting the sheets on for a wash (had been feeling crap about their ill-fitting clothes) and although I did hit a wall by 8am and cooked a shit lunch for my family I got through and had a great afternoon, asked for parents to pretty please deliver chicken so I could cook a meal, visited the neighbours and most awesome of all folded all the washing. Has been weeks in the trenches but I think I can finally declare I am on top of the washing, for you know all of 2 seconds! Then suddenly the house felt the cleanest it had been in weeks and life looked so much brighter. It was a real turning point.

It’s holidays now so maybe it was just a case of end of term fatigue but I hate how a few bad days – normal stay-at-home Mum/ housewife days really, quickly resulted in constant over-analysis of could this be depression – I’m a bad person – I’m almost suicidal. Obviously more to work on there but as soon as I broke out and felt a bit better, I was on cloud nine, soaking in grateful smiles and engaging with the world.

*book review to come!

I DO want to

I’ve had a serious case of the I DON’T WANT TO’s the last few days….

I don’t want to deal with my kids constant arguing

I don’t want to sit down and play with them so they are actually engaged in an activity instead of driving me mad

I don’t want to exercise

I don’t want to look up recipes in an attempt to get my family eating healthily

I don’t want to do anything so it’s easier just to go to bed. even though no amount of rest is ever enough to help me face the next day.

I was worried about my work day today, worried I wasn’t prepared. I had plenty of time before my first client though and by lunch I’d sent the email and made the call I’d been trying to put off in my head. That felt good.

But then my client after lunch didn’t go great, I felt like a fraud. And I’ve had that feeling before and with all this not wanting to do anything it has me scared.

I came home and slumped, thankfully here I am now writing a post. I’ve scraped myself up from the couch so that’s a promising start

My goals:

I want to play games with my kids

I want to stick to the spring challenge I’ve signed up for at the gym – I want to be accountable about my exercise

I want to find a way that works for me to provide healthy meals for both my family and myself

I want to study to increase my job options and confidence

I want to feel close to and supported by and supportive to my husband

and step by step I CAN achieve these goals, who’s with me?