An Open Letter on my Brother-in-laws second wedding day

To the open universe,

Today was an emotional day.

Today my amazing brother-in-law, my hubby’s wonderful younger brother, married my beautiful new sister-in-law. I love them both just so much. They are my family and I am so blessed to have them in my life.

I wasn’t at his first wedding. To the wife who passed away within a week of their first child being born. I missed that special day. And the truth is I have many regrets. And fears. We married into this family. One family, two different sons and two very different women. And yet right from the start she enveloped me wholeheartedly and boy was she excited about her first niece. Despite being far away at that time, she was so very involved in showering both her and myself in love. We drifted apart, making decisions we each didn’t agree with and I remember clearly telling myself that just because we were sisters didn’t mean we had to be the best of friends. And then she was gone. And even though things at that time weren’t great with us, they were getting better and with time I know our wounds would have healed. But we didn’t get that chance and although I forgive myself over and over, and even (I think) truly believe deep down that we were good, obviously its still there and no words, absolutely none, can describe how much I miss her, the way I miss her and how much I wish we had more time.

And so today, as I welcome a new sister into the family, who deserves so, so much more than to be compared to the sister I’ve lost, I can’t help but think of what could have been. And I’m so sorry but I can’t think of one without the other. While I miss and mourn for one at the same time I welcome and respect and admire the other. And yes, fear too that we too, may create wounds. We are different, we have different opinions, and we don’t need to be the best of friends but you are my sister. You are the mother and step-mother of my nephew and niece, you are the wife and chosen life partner of my husband’s brother. I know I don’t always say the right thing but when you look at me and shake your head, it breaks my heart. I don’t want to live (I can’t live) in fear of losing you. So please whatever I may do, please, please know I love you.

It doesn’t help, I’m sure that it’s that time of month, that I forgot my anti-depressants…

Today was an emotional, wonderful day, for two people, perfect for each other to be wed.

sincerely

Gee Jen

 

Three Thoughts

My first personal memory of a community in mourning was when a woman was murdered from a previous workplace of mine. Even when you may not be closely associated with a person, the magnitude of the loss of their life can still floor you. I guess that is how it is for some people with celebrity deaths.

In recent times my local community has been struck by tragedy after tragedy after tragedy. As I watched footage tonight of six young pall bearers I reflected on the honour that no person wants but that I was so blessed to have for My Friend. Thought One.

Secondly I’ve finally had the ‘holiday’ experience I’ve been dreaming of this week – ending the day with episodes of Grey’s Anatomy. But (spoiler alert) I’m watching the episodes about Keppner and Avery’s baby and reflecting on the choice I was once given to terminate my pregnancy. Mostly I consider the blessing I had to continue to carry him in my womb, for which I will forever be grateful. Thought Two.

Today was about tax, work notes, Telstra and chores. Thought Three – I hate end of year time as part of my in-laws family business. I hate what I feel to be judgement and a complete misunderstanding of who I am and my values. But on the bright side hubby and I have been communicating well and that is something I wish I could hang onto for all time.

Any thoughts you care to get off you chest?

God bless

A Harry Good Day

Checking my daughters bag for notes etc. the other morning I found a letter from the school. They are looking at enrolment numbers for their Recpetion class in 2017 and it had been noted that our son Harry would be eligible to start school next year.

Harry is my beautiful son in heaven. He was stillborn 21st December 2011 at 24 weeks gestation.

Needless to say I felt a bit angry and took the note in with me to school. After dropping off my daughter, I made my way to the front desk. Our lovely receptionist was on duty and I shared with her my issue, that I had been sent a letter asking if my dead son would be attending school next year.

I know it was an honest mistake. I had put Harry’s details on my daughters enrolment forms. I hadn’t noted he was stillborn just put dashes n the columns asking what school he would be attending and what year. And I do have a living son although he is still two years off starting school and his name is not Harry.

The receptionist apologised for the mistake and I left for my work day. It didn’t feel resolved, I wanted to explain in more detail….

I don’t always write Harry’s details on forms and most often when asked how many children I have I answer 2. But I do relish opportunities to share about my son, even on an annoying form so while I was a bit horrified to receive the letter, it was also nice to reflect that wow he would have been starting school next year – wow.

Later that day while with I client I heard my phone vibrating a call. When I checked between clients I had a message from hubby and assumed he had called. But then I listened to the 101 message from my daughters teacher.

It was a beautiful message again apologising, acknowledging my grief and sharing their prayers for me. I felt a lot better and proud of the school, particularly the receptionist for having discussed it further and taken action – it really is a caring environment, a great place for my children to be educated.

But the best part of all this – Harry was part of my day, a big part of my day and to be honest, that felt wonderful.

I didn’t want anyone to feel bad or uncomfortable but today I got to acknowledge my precious son and that made it a Harry Good Day

xox.

(related post Genetics)